Positive side to everything, even divorce

I was having a conversation with my friend Penny. She's in the beginning stages of a divorce having just "dropped the bomb" on her husband. Divorce is never easy. People get hurt. There's no way around that. BUT, divorce doesn't have to be this catastrophic event that so many people choose to turn it into. They're hurt, scared and almost seek revenge for their feelings, completely forgetting about all the other lives that are affected by the breakup. They're bitter. They think they'll feel happy when they see that "horrible person who's turning their life upside and taking away their comfort zone" miserable as they strive to make them "pay for their mistake" in ending the marriage. Talk about selfish, negative reactions that cause a situation to erupt in a bad direction. It doesn't have to be like that.

At the beginning of our conversation Penny was in tears and could barely speak. She feels extremely bad that she's going to end the marriage, but hasn't been happy for several years. She's stayed where she is because she didn't want to hurt anyone. Well, here's a news flash. You deserve to be happy. If you staying in a marriage for the "sake of the kids" because you think it will give you "happy kids" stop fooling yourself and give them more credit. Children see and absorb everything.

I most certainly am not sitting here writing to glorify divorce. Anytime a family is broken up it's sad, but it doesn't have to be tragic. Marriage is a sacred vow and dedication. But some times it just doesn't work out. And like any other "plan" in life, sometimes you need to restructure a bit. When you lose a job, isn't that kind of a form of divorce? Doesn't it involve alot of the same emotions?

I'm happily remarried for almost 10 years now and can look back down that road and realize that it was the best decision I ever made. It was the FIRST decision I made in my life that forced me to be selfish and put myself first. It was a decision that ultimately led me to happiness. And happiness makes it so much easier to love. It was an extremely hard first step, but the most important. I think women, in particular strive to make everyone happy. It's not natural for us to purposely upset the apple cart. But you can always put the apples back in the cart. Heck, you might even come across some rotten ones you want to toss. Toss away! There's plenty of new apples waiting to be polished an added to the pile.

The most important thing I told Penny yesterday was that divorce can be a positive experience. And this goes for most situations or obstacles you have in your life. Simply envision what your life will be like after the situation passes. Once the dust settles what do you see? How do you want it to be? Are your children happy? Is your spouse okay. Does he have comfort knowing that he's not alone. Knowing that he still can be a dad. Knowing that you still are a family, just with a new twist. Whatever you envision is what you will make it become. As Penny started to share with me her vision for her future, I told her simply "that's how you proceed". That picture is what you carry with you at all times. Sure, there's going to be tears, guilt, anger. Emotions are part of being human. Emotions tie in to any situation in life, good or bad. If you're fortunate to be in a situation where the breakup can be civil, then work together to make it the best for everyone. Stress the importance of family. You'll always be family. Tell your children that. Lead by example. In reality, when there are children involved, marriage is always "til death do us part" -- even when there's a divorce. Your "marriage" to your ex just morphs into a different relationship. You may not be husband and wife anymore, but you'll always be mom and dad.

Grant it, no relationship is perfect, but I have to say that my expanded family unit offers love, support and happiness to each other. My girls have a family that consists of 3 parents, 4 sets of grandparents, cousins, aunts & uncles. Although they might not all be from the traditional blood-line family tree...make no mistake..they are my girl's family. They have happy memories of childhood, vacations, holidays. My ex husband and I probably have a better relationship now than we did when we were married our marriage ended but our friendship has grown. My husband gets along okay with him as well. There have been many, many functions -- all the school plays, conferences, family celebrations that we attend, all 3 of us, as parents. We sit and enjoy them together. People actually make comments that they think it's great how we get along. For me, I simply ask why shouldn't you be able to get along for the sake of your children? You didn't divorce your kids, you divorced each other. (I'm well aware that there are some divorce situations that ties should be cut off for the sake of the children and the physical well-being of the spouse, but that fortunately, was not my situation) Your ex spouse will always be in your life and part of your life - always a branch on your tree. You've built a life together up until this point, for better or worse. But now, you've moved to a new bud on the same vine. It's your time to blossom!

I remember everything Penny is feeling right now. And as she opened up to me and shared her feelings I could take my self back to 12 years ago when I began my journey down that path. It's scary, sad and "unknown". But stick with your vision. As I sat around the dinner table last night, I saw before me MY vision. Sunday dinner with my family consisting of home made sauce spaghetti & meatballs (which, by the way is one of my memories of childhood). At the table, dressed with a fall tablelcoth, pumpkin candles flickering, and the "good china" sat me, my husband aka "the step-dad", our 2 daughters and 1 boyfriend who's been in the picture for almost 2 years, so I guess he's family as well. Everyone was happy. It all worked out just the way I envisioned it being. We had conversation, laughter and family time. As far as my ex and his survival? Both kids mentioned they talked to their father (and they talk to him every day, sometimes several times). In fact, our running family joke is that my ex-husband always manages to call whenever we're eating dinner - and we eat at all different times. The phone rings just about every time. Even he knows it's a "family laugh" we like to share. The dust is settled. No signs of catastrophe or tragic endings. Just change. My family grew and is stronger because of it. The picture I envisioned was to have happy, grounded children with a father active in their lives. I saw myself remaining friends with him. I would chose to re-marry if the right person came along (and he did). Most importantly I would find true happiness in my life and I definitely have.

Penny asked me to blog about our conversation. I know it's long. I hope that someone has read all the way to the end. I'm not a therapist, nor am I trained to give advice about marriage. But I can share with you, as I just did, how I chose to handle divorce. It's what worked for me. Family's grow. Families change. For better or worse, family is forever.